There is a great deal that is kept secret from pregnant ladies. I’m about to blow the lid off of pregnancy. Hang on to your hat. The first thing that will happen when you discover that you are preggo is that you will start to feel like shit. In the first trimester, you will want to look at baby clothes and pick out baby names but you will just feel too tired and bad. Expect to master long distance sprinting because whenever you feel the urge to puke, you will be miles away from a bathroom and possibly in a very public place.
Get used to the delicious taste of Tums. That is all you will be eating for the next 10 months. 10 months? But I always thought pregnancy lasted 9 months! HA! That is a lie. 40 weeks does not equal nine months y’all but it does equal 10 months. Woohoo! This will become a big deal around the end of 8 months. You will only be 32 weeks pregnant at 8 months! You’ve still got two months to go!
People will also start to say really offensive things. They might say “wow you look like you are about to pop!” “Any day now!” or “Oh is it twins?” People will start in on this around your sixth month. You will feel like you want to assault them. You probably could. One perk of pregnancy is that you can get away with a lot of stuff. However, if you are not pregnant, please note that there are things you should never say to a pregnant person. You should also never touch a pregnant lady at all unless you are going to rub her feet.
Your husband or partner will need to understand up front that he or she will need to exhibit saint-like behavior. There is no rationalizing with a pregnant lady. They are mean, hungry, nauseous and entitled. You will take a backseat for the next 10 months. You will now be the errand person, foot massager, chef, and you should wear a shirt that soaks up tears because there are lots of those. In fact, pregnant women should not watch sad movies at all ever. Or “Grey’s Anatomy.” Once, I cried over “Dirty Jobs.”
Another note to partners: At some point, you might feel that it is your duty or obligation to talk some sense into the pregnant lady. Don’t. Just don’t. My husband once sighed when I asked him to do something and I pitched a fit. I packed a belt and a book and planned to leave him except he had the cars keys and debit card and I wasn’t speaking to him so I couldn’t ask for these things.
Once the dreaded first trimester has ended, everyone tells you that you will start to feel amazing and have loads of energy. I’m sorry to tell you but once again, everyone is lying to you. There is a fear that no one would ever have children if they knew the truth. There are about five women out there who have lots of energy and a beautiful glow during the second trimester. I always looked tired. Luckily, actual labor is like the Men in Black mind eraser and the woes of pregnancy will seem like a vague memory that happened to someone else. So if you can make it through ten months of ridiculousness, you won’t remember most of it. Hallelujah.
There are loads of other pregnancy related hazards that you should be made aware of:
Burping: You will burp all the time. You can’t even take the teensiest sip of water without it being followed by a huge burp.
Memory loss: You’ll forget everything. Everything ever.
Ditziness: I once went to work with both sets of car keys and left my husband without a way to get to work. I had to race home, give him the car keys and race back to work. Whoops. Also, these things will happen daily. Hopefully you have a patient and kind partner. If I were the one dealing with such an air-head, I’d be so super annoyed. It’s a very good thing I was the pregnant one. I just have no patience for such absent-mindedness. I’d like to reiterate that your partner must have the patience of a saint. Just obsessively check that you have your debit card with you when you go to the grocery store. One at least five different occasions, I had to leave my groceries at the register, waddle back out to the car and back in, wait in line again and then pay for groceries.
Peeing: You will have to pee all the time. Be aware of the bathroom situation everywhere you go. Is there an app for this yet? There should be. The one place you won’t ever have to pee is the doctor’s office when you are supposed to pee in a cup. True story.
Pupps: Punishment from the gods.
Stretch marks: They are not only pretty yucky looking but they also itch like crazy!
I fully support the old way of going into “confinement.” Many years ago, pregnant women were not allowed off of their property after they began to show. We should go back to this way. It might be lonely, yes, but no fool will ever rub your stomach. You will never have to hold back a slap after someone announces that you “must be due any day now!” when in reality you are four months away from being due. I should really be in confinement now and I’m six months post-partum.
Luckily, most of us get really cute babies out of this suffering. It makes the whole thing worthwhile. Also, when they are being jerky teenagers, it will be fun to regale them with tales of Also, when they are being jerky teenagers, it will be fun to regale them with tales of your pregnancy. It will embarrass the snot out of them and after you take a toddler out into public you will start planning your revenge.