Today is my mom’s birthday. In honor of her birthday, I’d like to compile a few of her “greatest hits.” She says she wants me to write a book about her because she is so funny and interesting. That is paraphrased but basically what she said.
Hopefully this is what she had in mind!
My mom cannot sneeze without a production. I believe it is because she has middle child syndrome. If that is not a real thing, it should be. It means that the sufferer needs constant attention. They need to have the biggest and loudest and most dramatic sneeze of anyone else in the family. First she warns us “Oh I’m about to sneeze!” This is said very loudly so we can all drop what we are doing and watch. She usually dashes toward the bathroom to get a tissue but never makes it. Before she reaches the bathroom door, the actual sneeze occurs. It is a typical sneeze. It would not land her on America’s Funniest. Just “Achoo.” However, just after the sneeze comes the hopping. Three giant leaps through the air might be more accurate. This is followed by actual tissue retrieval and a loud “YUCK! So sorry everyone.”
Another specialty is burning cookies. She will don an apron to whack cookies off the roll and sling them into the oven. The first batch of “homemade cookies” comes out great. Except that they can be small. I have seen cookies that were one inch in diameter. That is more of a sample than an actual cookie, I think. While everyone is enjoying the quarter-sized cookies, the second batch is burned to death. You might think that cookies cut off the roll would be standard cookie size instead of quarter size. I don’t have an explanation. It happens every single time. It has never not happened. I can depend on this like I can depend on the sun rising in the east. There have been a lot of cookie sheets and pans that didn’t make it through. RIP you guys, you were good pans.
It could be suggested that she has a one-track mind. It is so bad that I’ve been forced to ban several topics from discussion. I will no longer discuss curtains or rugs of any kind. Fingernails are also off limits. We talked every day for a week and a half about how she wasn’t sure about her bright red nails once. I’m not exaggerating at all. We just finished up a round of “is my Christmas tree too skinny?” The answer was yes. She got a new tree but only after much ado. She might go to Lowes to look at a piece of furniture 10 times before deciding she doesn’t want it. Guess who gets dragged along for 9 out of 10 trips to Lowes? It’s me.
Mom, it’s your birthday. 59! I’m bringing you two teething, non-sleeping babies as a gift. I’ll be leaving them with you and possibly signing over custody for a while so I can clean my house and do some laundry. This should only take me about three weeks to catch up on so enjoy your gift!
In all seriousness, we will try not to ruin your birthday. But I cannot guarantee that. Have a great day!