You’re Next Lady

Today we went to the doctor. It is the sort of doctor that is booked up months in advance and features a waiting room packed completely full of people. These people are reading two year old “Redbook” magazines and watching “The Waltons.” An ENT doesn’t have to have a nice waiting room, people are still beating down the door. Anyway, we became very familiar with our local ENT’s office after spending the better part of last year frequenting it. My son had a serious health issue that included four surgeries and at least one ENT visit per week. So we feel very, very at home there.

There were loads of children there today. In particular, a bunch of little boys. My son is two. Two is a very special age. People that are two have no concept of sharing or of playing nicely. Their parents have usually given up. You cannot negotiate with a two-year-old. Just forget about it. Anyway, there were two little boys aged about 12-18 months. They were cute and staggered around pointing at things and drooling. More precious than these sweet boys were their parents.

The parents of little babies are adorable. They are completely naïve and believe that their children are genius angels. Not just angels or geniuses but genius angels! These parents have lots of ideas about how their child will be when they are older. They have beautifully coiffed hair and nails and they have on matching shoes. They sit in doctors offices and think things like:

“My little Sawyer would never jerk that truck out of that little boy’s hands and scream in his face. I will have better control over my child than that. Oh that little boy is just doing everything. I will give his mother a look. Well, on second thought, I feel kind of bad for her. She has purple bags under his eyes and her socks don’t match. Oh. I think she only has makeup on one eye. I wonder how that happened. Anyway, her child is running amok through here. Why is she letting him do that?”

This goes on for a long time. The mother of the toddler is feeling pretty confident because she at least has makeup on eye and she managed to put on a bra so she is absolutely winning. Oh wait that was me. I could have chosen to be offended by the two mothers who had matching purses and diaper bags but I know better. I was looking at them with pity because I know the truth. In a few short months, they will no longer be the mother of a sweet angel geniuses. They will be the mothers of toddlers. Bwah hahahahaha! Then their sweet angels will be the ones spitting their water out of their mouths onto the carpet. They will be trying to explain to strangers that their child is two and people of that age do not share. They do not share. DO NOT. This cannot be emphasized enough. You can say “Oh Skippy, share your truck darling. Share your truck with this nice little boy,” in a sing-songy voice all day long and your toddler will look at you with a look of confusion because they do not know anything about sharing. Or if they do, they do not care for it. The jury is still out on that. If it is mine, it is mine. It is not yours, it is mine and you will give it to me or I will scream and I will scream loudly. That is how a toddler views sharing.

Another thing that will change these mothers is that they might have more children. Say goodbye to your matching bags and clothes that aren’t covered in puke lady! With two children, the chances for getting puked on are twice as high! So I could have gotten pissed off today. I could have gotten huffy and felt dark feelings in my evil heart. But I know. I know that six months from today, mommy’s hair won’t be perfectly curled because her curling iron will be destroyed along with everything else she owns. She will be lucky to get one earring in, forget about two. She will not bring an appropriate snack to the ENT because her toddler will only eat hot dogs. She will have frayed nerves and will jump at every loud noise. She will carry her child out of the grocery store kicking and screaming with her head held high. She will have a toddler.

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