The morning routine

I’m not a morning person.  I have never been a morning person.  I do not expect this to actually change.  My children are happy morning people.  It’s terrible.  The baby would usually sleep until nine if not for her brother who gets up between 7 and 8 am.  This seems great right?  “Oh her son wakes up so late.  My son wakes up at 5 am!”  That is what some of you are saying. 
But let me be real with you in case you misunderstand.  I’m a SAHM so we don’t have to get up at 6:00 am to get where we are going.  We don’t usually have anywhere to go until much later.  So the kids go to bed pretty late.  Ezra goes between 8 and 8:30 and Miri goes whenever her sweet little heart desires which is like 10…what a dear child!  And then we all stay up all night crying and nursing so it’s party all the time here!
My kids were born with the understanding that all horrible, awful behavior should occur at 8 am because I am not at the top of my game.  I’m not even playing the game at that point.  I don’t start playing the game until after Kelly and Michael go off.  As Ezra becomes more and more “2,” it keeps getting worse.  He just knows that I’m barely going to be able to address what is going on and if I do it will be to yell from the safety of my spot on the couch while I clutch a cup of coffee. 
It is 9:22 currently.  This is the only time of the day where both children play happily without needing constant holding, nursing, loving, changing, etc.  They are also breaking all the rules.  We only have about three rules so this is pretty extreme. 
Ezra started by letting Rugby out.  I didn’t even know he could open the freaking door to the cat room.  Also, I hate Rugby.  I love Rugby but I also hate Rugby.  I don’t want to see his crazy eyes at 8 am.  Rugby also knows that he can get away with a lot more early in the morning.  He is currently slithering along the bottom of the couch like a freaking jerk. 
The baby keeps crawling around under furniture then trying to raise up and bonking her head.  Then she weeps and wails.  Somehow she found sausage and ate it off the floor.  I didn’t stop her.  I’m not even sure if I’ve changed her diaper yet…poor child.
Ezra has been trying to run over my feet and the baby with a push car in between demanding more peanut butter and dumping water from his sippy cup all over the sloor.  By the way, those sippy cups that aren’t supposed to leak?  They always leak, every time.  Your toddler will spend 50% of his/her time dumping water in the floor and the other 50% of the time pooping and torturing his sister.  The best time for sibling torture is before I’ve finished the first half of my coffee.  This is a good time to run over siblings with cars, beat them in the head with cars, and feed baby silbings peanut butter.  Chances are good that I won’t even notice.  It’s also a good time to lock yourself in the bathroom if you are a toddler.  Your mother won’t have the brain power to open the door. 
I will be happy to coach other people’s toddlers about proper morning behavior for fairness reasons.  We are all in this together, right parents?? 
Dear toddlers of the world, if you really want to start the day off right, here are some things to do:
~Your mother will try to feed you a proper breakfast of oatmeal, eggs, and maybe sausage if you are lucky.  Only eat the sausage because oatmeal looks gross and eggs are yellow.  Then demand peanut butter.
~When mother isn’t looking, deposit pieces of egg behind couch cushions in the living room.  This will smell awesome later.
~Early mornings are also a good time to find pacifiers and throw them in the toilet.  This will get mom’s goat, I promise.
~Cry hysterically over everything and only be consoled by watching Thomas the Tank Engine so that mom misses Matt Damon on LIVE!
Just use your imagination and be creative!  You too can make your beautiful mother cry before 10 am if you work at it.  If possible, be extra bad on days when there is no coffee.  High five!!!


3 thoughts on “The morning routine

  1. I can so relate. I am not a morning perosn either. and for some reason saturdays is not sleep in day they both are up birght and Eaiirly.

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