Dear Mr. Abercrombie and Fitch,
I’m trying to come at you from a place of love but you are not making it easy for me or anyone else to like you right now. It could be related to your complete arrogance or because you seem to have some major double standard issues. Or it could be because you have taken your idea of beauty so literally that you had to buy it and now you look like a mannequin that sort of melted around the face and has fake, ultra-violet white teeth. And none of it is real. Basically, you look like an Abercrombie and Fitch model gone bad. Because you are old and you need to just let it go.
I never shopped at A&F because I couldn’t afford it and none of the clothes fit and they run small. Have you ever seen a t-shirt in x-small from there? My baby daughter couldn’t squeeze into it. Also she isn’t blonde and “cool” so she wouldn’t even be allowed to shop there. If you want people to be totally intimidated when they walk into your store, well it worked for me. I have an irrational fear of frat boys, bad cologne, AND 20-ft tall naked people so your store is like my own personal nightmare. But that’s just me.
Fine. You don’t like “fat” girls who wear a whopping size 12 or more. Yuck. It’s disgusting to be a size 12 and you most certainly can’t be beautiful and/or cool if you do. Except that it’s fine with you if a boy is an XL or even an XXL. That is no problem. Presumably you will personally hunt them down and stop them from wearing the name of your illustrious company on their $75 shirt unless they are filling it up with XXL amounts of muscle. XXL amounts of fat is inappropriate.
The truly sad part of this is that A&F is no longer even relevant. Yes, everyone in my high school wore A&F all day, every day…but I graduated 13 years ago. Putting naked people on shopping bags surely lost some of its edge a few years ago. And, I’m sorry to inform you but things that were cool when I was in high school are no longer considered “cool.” Examples: Peace frogs, Sugar Ray, PT Cruisers, Skechers, and chokers (just to name a very few). So I just find it hard to believe that something that was ALL THE RAGE 15 years ago is still ALL THE RAGE.
I do not have confirmation on this as my children are not teenagers (yet), but I’m finding this whole thing a little tired. But, I can make a promise! I promise to never drag my uncool self or my uncool children into your store to buy your cool clothes. I would really hate to uncool up your space with my uncoolness. So Mr. Abercrombie and Fitch (I have not bothered to learn your name in the writing of this because I’m not cool enough), I just want to tell you that there are some really cool people out there who don’t fit into your jerky, little box and you are missing out on a crap load of fun by refusing to acknowledge them (us).
And now? Well I got $20 in my pocket so I think I’ll go pop some tags at a store that will have me, the Goodwill.
(the QUEEN of uncool)