Anny the Mommy has been on an extended hiatus. Partially because I’ve been insanely busy for a while, but there were a few other reasons too. I finally feel ready to write about these reasons. Thanks L for encouraging me and for getting it.
Much of my writing is me complaining. Hopefully, it is me complaining in a funny way but it is often the way I process rough days. Horrible day? Try to laugh at it and make it funny! Inevitably, I got some private comments from people (no one you know) with no sense of humor and their message was this: you should enjoy every moment because it goes by so fast. Also, perfect strangers say this to me in the grocery store all the dang time. Well, thanks for pointing that out as if I don’t look at my children in disbelief every single day because they should be tiny babies and instead they are walking and talking. I don’t even know how that happened.
I have some advice for people giving that advice to parents. Be quiet. Just shhhhh. Yes, it goes incredibly fast but attempting to enjoy the moment when your kid gets that look and then throws up in the direction of your open mouth (this happened to me recently) is just insane. I did not enjoy that moment. That moment was horrible. That moment made me want to throw in the towel.
Other moments that I haven’t enjoyed included:
~Young master climbing to the top of the play structure and refusing to get down and leave while my precious daughter threw an on the ground temper tantrum, or an in the dirt tantrum rather. The other parents there were looking at me like “awww you poor terrible mother.”
~A 3 ½ hour car ride that turned into a 5 hour car ride due to horrible traffic and having to stop every half hour to do something for a small child. Precious daughter screamed for about three of the five hours. It was a beautiful experience.
~For some reason, young master has been getting up at 5 am crying for about three days now. If I went to bed at 10 pm, that might be ok. I just never go to bed at a reasonable hour because my to-do list is forty miles long. So now I am the opposite of rested.
~Tantrums. I live in Tantrum City, a real place where anarchy rules. Two year olds are notorious fit-throwers and almost 4-year-olds are similar. The answer to every question is no.
Chances are good that when I look back on these beautiful memories, I will say “thank GOD that is over” and not “how special!”
The other reason I have taken a break from blogging is because my relationship to my own parenting is changing. From the moment my son was born, I lost my identity and I was no longer anything except a mom. I didn’t even realize it had happened and then one day I woke up and thought “who the heck am I?” Loss of identity is a common symptom of motherhood, maybe fatherhood too, I’m not sure. I guess I’ve been working on how to be a mother and all of the other things I am as well. That sounds a lot easier than it is.
Moms losing their identities is how mom jeans happened.
My focus for so long has been parenting. I thought it was the most important thing in the world. And it is important but other things get lost in the shuffle. The more I tried to be a better parent, the more I became a worse parent. I sanctimommied myself (and others, sadly) constantly. So yes, I am a recovering sanctimommy. What I know for sure is that we parents have to be the best we can be for our children but we don’t have to be perfect. That is not even an attainable goal so I’m going to stop striving for perfection. Instead, I will just try to be good enough every day. Sometimes, I get frustrated and lock myself in the bathroom which is the only locking door in my house and sometimes I yell and get so angry that I think I might have a rage stroke…and it’s ok. Really, it’s ok. My children don’t want or need a perfect parent. They need me. They need the authentic version of me and not the one striving for perfection. That is not to say that we should not always be striving to be better but as someone I really love used to say to me, “It’s in the striving.” Yes, it is.
Please forgive anything that makes zero sense. This post was written at 6 am and I am actively enjoying every moment…