It’s true. I’m late for everything whether it’s school, play dates, appointments, it doesn’t even matter. We will be late for it. I blame the children. Before I had children, I was just late and for that, I’m truly sorry. But now? Not even remotely my fault.
As we all know, some mornings are easier than others. This morning was one of those mornings in which everyone piddles around for two hours and then seems very surprised to hear that it’s time to leave.
So when I, or any mother, am late, consider what might have happened:
~ Spend a solid twenty minutes searching for the girl’s coat. Am about to turn the house upside down to try to shake the coat out of its hiding place (literally) when daughter says “Oh, I forgot. I left it at school in the Peace Cottage.” Dammit.
~ Daughter is mad because she has to wear her brother’s coat. How could this have been avoided? Not forgetting our coats in the Peace Cottage! Three way argument ensues.
“I don’t want her to wear my old coat!” yells son.
“I don’t want to wear his coat. I want to wear my coat!” yells daughter.
“You are going to wear this coat and you’re going to like it. Next time, try to get out of the Peace Cottage with your coat!” yells mom. (The Peace Cottage is lovely and not to be yelled about, but here we are.)
“Fine I’ll wear the stupid coat!” yells daughter.
“No!” yells son.
“Stop yelling!” yells mom. “And don’t say stupid!”
~ We made it to the car! Daughter says, “I forgot my gigantic, life-sized Olaf and I can’t go to school without it!” I could have stood around fighting about this but instead I just go back in and get the stupid Olaf. I wonder who my kid learned the word stupid from?
~ In the car…
“I’m not ready!” daughter yells.
“I am!” yells son.
I stand next to the car watching the excruciating process of daughter trying to buckle herself in (I always check to make sure that all safety standards are being followed including not wearing puffy, winter coats and checking the chest clip. I’m sorry I have to interrupt this fascinating tale to clarify but everyone on the internet is crazy and you have to clarify everything.) She is GOING to do it herself so I just stand next to the car and have a quiet nervous breakdown while I wait for her to untwist and retwist the straps twelve times until eventually, after much ado, I have to take over anyway. It takes an extra five minutes to undo the damage she’s done and get her buckled.
~ Gas light is on and past the line. Lol. All because I was too lazy to get any yesterday. Have to wait forever to pay. Somewhere in here, I gave up on being on time. I gave up on the glimmer of hope I had of only being five or ten minutes late. Nope.
~ Road work. Really? Really VDOT? Every single road we take to school is being worked on. I super appreciate that there are people to fix roads in the cold. I just wish they’d take my schedule into account.
~ “I don’t want to hear that song. I want the other one!” Guess who yelled this? It was daughter.
“I want this one!” Son.
“Hush, I’m turning it off for a second so I can listen to the weather!” Me.
“Noooooooo,” howls girl-child.
“Fine.” I mutter under my breath as I negotiate a deal to let take turns listening to songs 2 and 3 on Adele’s new album. (An aside: Can we elect Adele for president of the earth? She is the only one with the power to bring us all together. Hello?) I listen to a podcast with Oprah to try to get my attitude turned around.
~ Arrive at school. Walk halfway to the building. Realize we have forgotten everything in the car. Turn around. Grab allergy bag (nebulizer, epi-pen, Benadryl, essential oils). Try again. Make it in the door.
Me to son: “Where are your socks?”
Son to me: “I didn’t wear any.”
Me to son: “Why not? I handed you a pair.”
Son to me: “I just didn’t feel like it.”
Me to son: “How can you not feel like wearing socks? No. Nevermind. I don’t want to know. Put your slippers on and get inside.”
~ Kiss everyone and send them on their way. Drive to my office and collapse into a heap on the floor.
Here’s how it went before I had kids:
~ Jump in the shower and into some clothes.
~ Grab a protein bar.
~ Go to work and make it on time (one minute late).
There you have it.